Better In Time
by SamNny
Summary: Reflections on past events help Johnny reach his new found clarity.


If there ever was a time, before all of this, where everything wasn't damned, I don't remember it. Such a thought seems so unrealistic. And memories show no signs of it even being plausible. I guess it's just wishful thinking.

But the memories that keep me company always show me how far I've come. All those years I was destined to be a flusher for humanity seem so far behind me now. For once, I'm truly glad to be alive.

I don't know if I'm sane or insane anymore, but it does not matter. All I care about it is my current reality. Everything that kept me tied down and suffocated me with its devil poison has yet to show its face again. Whatever the reason for that makes no difference to me now.

It took a lot of time for me to find what I believe to be my clarity. A lot of never ending tug-of-war with my thoughts and emotions. But certain recollections guided me to my haven, and although painful to remember, it was worth all of my suffering.

_All those people… why? To paint a wall? That old woman… the ice cream man, the.. the cheerleading squad… on the news, that girl. They found her dead, and… she was raped.. that was you…_

Tess. She was the first person to make me think about my actions. At the time, I had gotten angry with her for accusing me of raping that girl. She questioned me, and I never answered her. If she could hear me now, I would tell her that it was my own insanity that drove me to murder. It's not an excuse, but it is my reason.

_You're just plain sick, Johnny. You're doing nothing to be proud of, you've done hideous things, but for all the wrong reasons. Can't you feel it in you? Can't you feel that you've just become another one of the things that make the world so vile! You've lost sight of the truth!_

Just what was the truth, Mr. Eff? I knew I was sick; I had to be. I was never proud of myself and there were never any right reasons to do what I did. I did contribute to what makes the world so vile and sickening. I realize that now, and I'm sorry. I really, truly am.

_You've lost focus on yourself, lost too much strength to things you felt affection for. Paid too much attention to people you knew would disappoint. You know what they are! Don't expect anything but nasty irritation from anyone you didn't create._

Unfortunately, Psycho Doughboy, it was necessary to lose that strength and to feel affection to those who disappointed me in order to regain focus on myself. I used to feel a nasty irritation from everyone I didn't create, but the worst came from the ones I did.

_I would rather not die, but I don't seem to have much say in the matter. But, I'm also not like you; I'm not clouded. I have no family, no friends, really: nothing. But I do have faith; you know, God and all that. A Heaven for me, and a Hell for you. So fuck fear. I have nothing to fear._

Edgar. I'm some ways I was like you, Hell, in some ways I still am. I have no family or friends. I have nothing. But I was clouded and I had no faith. I refused to believe that a loving God would let me, or anyone, suffer like I did. I still don't know if He's worth believing in, but I've seen Him. Well, someone who claimed to be Him. Maybe I haven't met your God yet. But, one day, I hope to be like you. I hope for the day to come when I, too, have nothing to fear.

_Sane or damaged to begin with, they all share a common demeanor – introverted, quiet, and of no threat to anyone but themselves. Inevitably, they degenerate, collapsing into a quiet, mental dissolve._

I always found flaw with Mr. Satan's words. I was a threat to everyone, _especially_ myself. I was sentenced to be a flusher for the world, but not anymore. Because you helped make me aware of my sickness, I was one step closer to getting better.

_So, are you gonna chop me up and put me in the garbage now? Because Shmee tells me you're a bad guy. He says this is a bad place to be. Please don't chop me up._

I was never going to hurt you, Squee. I never dreamed of it. You were one of the few people who showed me hope for myself, and for human kind. And although I used to resent that stuffed toy of yours, I see now that he was right. I was a bad guy and it was a bad place to be. He was only trying to protect you, like I always thought I was. But, in the end, I did the best thing I could to protect you; I left.

_Good. Then let's both be happy._

I wish I could've been happy with you, Devi. Maybe if I'd have met you now, instead of then, we could be. I cannot change the past, nor can I take away your present fear. I just hope that one day you can find it in you to forgive me and move forward with your life. Then I could be truly happy.

_No, Johnny! He's the liar! You can get help! Please don't do anything stupid! There have to be people out there, somewhere, who can help you! Different from the ones who have hurt you! Yes!_

You were right, Nailbunny. There are people out there who are different. They did help me. They taught me to help myself. It took me a long time to figure out that you were right, but better late than never, right? But, if I'd have realized it sooner, imagine all of the people who would've been spared.

It was reoccurring memories like these, sounding over and over in my head that helped me reach my current state of mind. Sane or not, I'm better off this way, and although too many people had to die for me to get here, I can guarantee that it won't ever happen again.

* * *

"A/N: This was just an idea that I had and I decided to let it out. Everything in italics was quoted directly from the comic books. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this short little thing, and I'd be grateful if you'd leave a review."


End file.
